


Forever and Ever

by mimzy630



Category: AI: The Somnium Files (Video Game)
Genre: ARG Ota if you didn't follow him you might not get it, Dementia, Existential Crisis, Implied/Referenced Character Death, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:49:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21700996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimzy630/pseuds/mimzy630
Summary: Ota's thoughts on Mayumi and self.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	Forever and Ever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alex Flagg](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Alex+Flagg).



> Inspired by a greyscale version of a piece I commissioned Sloan for, link: https://twitter.com/mimzy630/status/1201526662447288320?s=20  
> As well as trying to get into the mind of Alex's version of Ota... You messed me up fam, your writing is phenomenal. Hope I captured the Otaku well.  
> If you're an author into AI , I suggest you check out the https://twitter.com/AITSFzine ! I'm personally preparing my examples as we speak (even though I'm an organizer, hah... haha...) and you should apply, too!

Of course I have existential breakdowns on Twitter sometimes. Sometimes it’s the only way I know I exist. To see people interacting, to see the comments roll in- at least it reminds me that it’s not all in my head. That someone, out there in whatever world, thinks about these things and remembers me. 

It’s not like I want to have crises! But the last few years have forced me to. That whole thing with AI: THE SOMNIUM FILES, that’s pretty strange, but it started before that. Around six years ago, when I first learned about Mom’s... condition. It started with the little things- maybe she washed her clothes twice a few times, or she ended up going out to buy ingredients she already had. But the idea it would get serious never occurred to me- after all, she said she’d remember us forever and ever.

At least, while Dad was still there.

When Dad died, I- I panicked. He had always been so good at laughing the incidents off; his smile made me believe that maybe it would progress slowly and that everything would be fine. I think... looking back, that’s what I needed the most: someone to tell me to look on the bright side. After his heart attack, I just... I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t ignore it any longer, and it just kept getting worse.

I was lost, okay? I know I should have been more supportive, but whenever I was with her, I was forced to face that reality... You can’t blame me for running away, right? I know it was wrong, I know that now, but I’m just her kid. I’m no hero, and I couldn’t sweep her off her feet and tell her everything was okay when it wasn’t.

I still remember the first day she re-opened the diner. We hadn’t gotten any customers for years, but that day she woke me up, a hurried smile on her face. 

“Go get your father! We’re late for opening hours!”

She... scared me at that moment. Or maybe I was just scared of what might happen going forward; if she had forgotten about the explosion, what was next? I said something awful to her back then and run off to a net cafe as usual. It was... easier to lose myself in games and anime than to face that unknowing smile. What was I supposed to do? Ruin her fantasy? Play along? Even though I know running away must have broken her heart, even now, I don’t know what else I’d do. I want to be a good son, but how can I be when she’s like... That?

It quickly grew late, and I barely remember the time passing. Black out the sun, turn off your clock, and it can be easy to get lost in the pure experience of it all. Just living in the moment... I wonder if that’s how Mom saw it. Just... being in the moment. Just me and the computer. The details might have changed, but this carried on for years, maybe three or four- I didn’t keep track. At some point, I stopped going to the classes I had long forgotten.

One night, it was right before I went home, some early hour if I had checked. Even if the sun hadn’t risen, my life was full of light- that was the day I saw Tesa for the first time. After so long trying to distract myself from my own mind, for the first time in a while I saw... hope. A reason to go on. When I saw her putting her full effort into dancing and singing like that, I  _ felt _ for the first time in so long. I wanted to jump up right there and dance along with her! After so many years of just trying to forget, her smile made me feel like everything was okay again.

But, you know that story. I became Tesa’s number one fan, learned all her chants and songs... I just wanted her to know that there was someone who cared, who would support her no matter what.

That’s...

That’s probably what Mom wanted to be for me.

And I- I left her alone all that time.

I’m a horrible son.

Tesa became the center of my life, my everything. I couldn’t even write... All my thoughts were of her. It was for the best- at least she had a dream, unlike me who was just living. At least, that’s what I told myself. I defined myself through being her fan, I didn’t just  _ become _ a fan,  _ “I” _ became being a fan.

That’s... how Mom would talk about me, too. Sometimes I’d listen in on her checkups just to see how she was doing, and the nurses would always struggle to get her talking about something other than me or Dad. It’s like she didn’t even think of herself. Like “Mayumi” was just... her love for her son and husband.

...

I should have realized that sooner, but I wouldn’t have- my world was Tesa, and Mom was just an afterthought in that world. Someone to chastise for not supporting Tesa. Not a mother, not my supporter, just... Mayumi. That must have hurt her so much, yet I callously ignored her pain when she forgot the next day. Maybe I even started to take her dementia for granted... it was a free pass to get out of trouble, just add time.

I guess I never stopped running. The more I came to love Tesa, the more I attached my sense of self to her- and maybe that’s why, when the whole thing with that game happened, I was forced to think about myself again: there was a real possibility that I didn’t exist at all. Then, I thought... of Mom. If she forgot herself, what made her, “her?” I was scared helpless as she lost more and more parts of herself.

It really hit me one day when she was talking about her boy like she always did, but paused. She was talking about when Dad and I had given her presents for Mother’s Day, a knife and an apron. She was talking, and,

“Oh, that day... I’ll never forget it. Forever and... um... and... always?”

That was the day I started getting really scared. If she was beginning to forget that memory, what else would be next? The diner? Her cooking?

...

Me?

I didn’t want to think it was possible. After all, it seemed like I defined her sense of self- if she lost that memory, what would “she” be?

I probably should have taken this as a reason to spend more time with her, but instead, I could only focus on myself and my own fears... I’m so terrible. She had already forgotten most of her hobbies by now, but... her remembering me started me thinking, if the worst came to worst, I could rely on others. Then, even if I forgot myself, maybe Tesa... surely, Tesa would remember me. Then I’d always have someone to define me.

Hah, it’s almost laughable to think that now. Even as I decided devoting myself to Tesa would make me immune, I ignored helping my mother. If I had been there for her, reminding her and just spending time with her, maybe she wouldn’t have had to cling to those fading memories.

I probably made it so much worse.

...

I just... left her scared, afraid, and- whenever her memory didn’t cooperate- alone. Yet... still, she tried to remember me as best she could. I was the one piece she was unwilling to give up. Or maybe, if she gave it up, there would be no “her” anymore. Watching her sense of self slip away I...

Then, the day came.

I visited her in the hospital, using my savings to give her flowers.

“Aren’t you a handsome young charmer? Oh, but I don’t care much for flowers; can’t keep them alive anyway.”

I think I always knew this was coming, but like everyone, I never thought it would happen to her. I was still living in the moment. Hearing her finally lose that piece... something broke in me, that day. Maybe the past I had been averting my eyes from finally caught up with me.

I decided to take her to the diner one last time- maybe I thought it would stir her memory. Maybe I just wanted to cook for her. After all, it was... the closest to Dad I could get.

When I was preparing the food, I tried not to look her in the eyes. She talked about how cozy the diner was, that she felt at home. She saw my stickers on the bookshelf... but even that...

“Oh, these stickers... There was something I was supposed to remember... For the rest of my life? Silly me, forgetting things these days... what was it?”

**MAYUMI MATSUSHITA**

**AUGUST 31ST, 1965-MAY 10TH, 2026**

**LOVING MOTHER AND WIFE, FOREVER AND EVER**


End file.
